Do I Need Therapy for How Sad and Guilty I Feel About Not Breastfeeding?

"Everyone keeps telling me to move on. My baby is healthy. They're growing well. So why do I still feel so upset?"

If you've ever asked yourself this question, you're not alone. Many mothers are surprised by how deeply they are affected when breastfeeding doesn't go to plan. Months or even years later, they may still find themselves feeling sad, angry, guilty, or emotional.

A common question I hear is:

"Do I need therapy for this, or am I just overreacting?"

Feeling distressed about breastfeeding doesn't automatically mean you need therapy. However, if your emotions are causing significant distress, therapy can help you to process what you’ve been through, understand why it mattered so much, and to help you to move forwards.

Sadness About Not Breastfeeding

One of the most damaging beliefs mothers (or those around them) hold is that they shouldn't feel this upset.

You tell yourself:

·        "It's only breastfeeding."

·        "Other people have much bigger problems."

·        "I should be grateful my baby is healthy."

·        "I need to get over it."

But emotions don't work according to what we think we should feel, and breastfeeding can be connected to your hopes for motherhood, your relationship with your baby, your body, or your belief that you can do anything if you try hard enough. Grief is a normal human response.

For many mothers, as with other forms of grief, sadness about breastfeeding gradually softens over time. You may still wish things had been different, but the emotions become easier to handle. However, sometimes breastfeeding grief becomes more complicated.

You might notice that:

·        You think about feeding difficulties every day.

·        You feel stuck in self-blame.

·        You repeatedly replay events in your mind.

·        You feel persistent guilt despite reassurance.

·        You avoid certain conversations, places, or people.

·        Your mood remains low for a prolonged period.

·        The experience continues to affect your confidence as a parent.

Guilt as the Problem

What makes guilt difficult is that it feels productive. Our minds can convince us that if we keep analysing what happened, we'll somehow find the mistake and prevent future regret. Unfortunately, guilt tends to keep us trapped in an endless cycle of self-criticism, and prolong our suffering.

You tell yourself:

·        "I didn't try hard enough."

·        "I should have pushed through."

·        "I gave up too soon."

·        "I failed my baby."

Sometimes It’s Not Really About Breastfeeding

Many mothers realise that although breastfeeding distress is the most pressing or current problem, it is better viewed as a “symptom” of a broader underlying problem, that may be more longstanding.  

Distress after breastfeeding challenges is often intertwined with:

·        A traumatic birth.

·        A NICU admission.

·        Previous fertility struggles.

·        Perfectionism.

·        Earlier experiences of feeling inadequate or not good enough.

·        Generalised anxiety

Therapy often begins with breastfeeding grief or anxiety, and ends up looking like quite a different piece of work. The good news about this is that the benefits of therapy can also therefore be much wider than “just” getting back to your baseline before breastfeeding struggles.

So What about Me?

Some mums hesitate to seek support because they worry that their problem isn't serious enough, and that therapy is only for people with “real problems”. But you don't need to wait until you're falling apart. If the emotional impact of your feeding experience is still causing distress, that reason alone is enough. Therapy is a space to understand your experience with compassion rather than judgement. And if you've spent months or years telling yourself that you shouldn't feel this way, having somewhere to finally acknowledge the depth of that loss can be profoundly healing.

Dr Kelsey O’Reilly

Consultant Clinical Psychologist

Breastfeeding Psychology

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